Back from Hell
I handed in my dissertation last Wednesday, and since then I have been wandering about feeling lighter than air. For the first time in much longer than I can remember, I don’t have some major deadline lurking in my thoughts, ruining my every waking moment by incessantly reminding me that I should be working. Since last Wednesday, I’ve had, well, absolutely nothing to do. It feels so good.
Of course the question of my future, both near-term and long-term, looms on the horizon just past this temporary respite. However, I can’t really say that it is stressing me out; I have numerous options, and I’m rather excited to pursue one, or some, of them. When I return to Canada in late September I intend to regroup, take stock of where I’ve been so far and what I’ve done. Two big questions will need to be asked:
1) Do I let work determine where I live, or do I let my choice of location determine my work?
2) Should I base personal relationships on my movements, or base my movements on important personal relationships?
These are serious and introspective questions, somewhat out of place here given the sarcastic tone I usually take on this blog. But I guess that’s the kind of mood I’m in right now. My year in London absolutely flew by, and I’ve reached the point where I’m saying goodbye to good friends, quietly wondering if I’ll ever see them again. I guess that is one of the biggest downfalls of the transnational life: you meet amazing people, only to let them go as we all drift back to our respective countries or chosen corners of the world. This will be my fourth consecutive year of goodbyes, and I think that emotionally I’m getting rather tired of it. Could it be time to settle down somewhere for real? Do I need to stop being such a goddamned drifter, and realize that I can’t keeping hopping around the globe leading a disposable life without suffering the consequences once the glory of youth starts to fade?
Anyways, I have promised myself not to get caught up in this self-reflection quite yet. Tomorrow, I head for Turkey and a much needed vacation. I’m really excited for this trip because 1) I’ve never been there and have absolutely no preconception of what awaits me upon arrival (well, actually, I guess Xinjiang was pretty Turkic), and 2) I’ll be traveling with a native who also happens to be a person for whom I care very deeply. Finally, some time to enjoy each other’s company without the stress of exams and dissertations in the mix. And given all the wonderful things I’ve heard about Turkey, it sounds like the perfect place to do this. As a self-professed lover of cities, I’m sure I’ll be swept off my feet by Istanbul.
Of course, coming back to the shell of my life in London for a few days in late September will probably not feel so great. Being one of the last people to leave is always the worst: you feel like a ghost, wandering through once familiar scenes now populated with new and unfamiliar faces. Rooms that were once full of life and laughter now sit quiet and empty, only this time coupled with the realization that, unlike during holidays, their occupants are never coming back. I’m not very good at saying goodbye, but I do miss people intensely.
When I get down like this, it always helps to remind myself how lucky I am. I’ve had tremendous and continuing support from my family and lifelong friends. I’ve lived in three countries. I speak English, French and somewhat functional Mandarin. I have a Masters degree from the London School of Economics (well, hopefully!).
I guess, in many ways, the sky’s the limit. It’s just that, sometimes, I wonder about those I leave behind when I’m reaching for that sky.