NATIONAL NEWS
CANADA A ‘DEVELOPED COUNTRY’, SAYS MARTIN
(Agencies)
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
OTTAWA–Prime Minister Paul Martin declared Canada a thoroughly developed country yesterday during a business luncheon speech in the nation’s capital.
“Since our opening up in 1867, we have become a highly industrialized and all-around well-off nation,” Martin said.” We have tall buildings, highways, lots of cars and nice suburbs…frankly, our government is not sure what else we can really do. This might be the time to close the book on development.”
The Prime Minister’s address was part of an ongoing conference hosted by the Canada Business Outlook Society to examine the role of society after a country had developed. “Perhaps now we can finally stop underfunding arts and culture,”mused one speaker to roaring laughter from the crowd.
Life after development has been a growing issue recently, with many ordinary Canadians worried that a lack of GDP growth, highway construction and massive societal shifts would make their lives increasingly meaningless and post-modern.
James Bennett, a member of the Great Minds Think A Lot research institute, echoed such concerns. “This is basically the end of history,” he commented from his home by phone.”Canadians have reached the pinnacle of human achievement. Industrialization has been achieved, things look modern and people shop a lot…what else is there to do?”
An anonymous government official agreed. “We have realized that things can’t stay this way. The lack of cranes on city skylines is only one sign of the coming crisis,” he noted,”The Romans stopped developing and building stuff, and look what happened to them.”
Mr. Martin quickly moved to dismiss such concerns. “There is still plenty to do. Floors need to be swept, lawns need to be cut and potholes need to be filled.”
ECONOMY
GROWTH ENDLESS, RESEARCH INSTITUTE DISCOVERS
(Agencies)
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
WINNIPEG– The Canadian Center of Economic Research announced yesterday that its researchers have found economic growth to be, without a doubt, endless. This welcome surprise was revealed as the center released the results of its three-year study entitled “GDP: Statistics for Fun and Profit.”
“This is absolutely ground-breaking news for Canada,” said Dr. Mark, a center director. “This means absolutely nothing, including environmental disaster, will be able to stop the growth of our nation’s economy. ”
The center’s research focused on extensive interviews with the leaders of government, industry and commerce. The introduction to the report states, “We have come to the undeniable conclusion that we will be able to produce
and sell to our heart’s content for all eternity. Canada’s future looks very bright”
A man on the streets of Montreal seemed especially overjoyed by the prospect, “Well, if this growth thing happens no matter what, I guess that means I can just quit my job. See you in Florida!”
LIFE
CANADA ‘NOT CHANGING ALL THAT MUCH’, STUDY FINDS
(Agencies)
Tuesday, March 4, 2004
MONTREAL– Canadian society has not changed all that much in the past thirty years, a new government survey has shown. Despite superficial technological advances and the Internet, 70% of respondents believed the country was “basically the same”. Although the country has become increasingly culturally diverse, many shrugged this off as a very minor shift. “Black, Brown or blue: who cares? Everyone loves Tim Horton’s!” answered one respondent.
Polling over 5000 Canadians in all provinces and territories, the study found that an overwhelming majority believe their values, lifestyle and consumption habits are pretty much the same as their forefathers in 1974. Fully 35% stated that the biggest difference might be in the size of beer bottles, with snubs gradually replaced by longnecks. “It’s amazing to think how far we’ve come,” said Dr. Mark, leader of the survey, “it is hard to imagine what people in 1974 would think if they saw our beer bottles today.”
One respondent summed up the situation: “In 1974, my parents got drunk, smoked pot and went to rock concerts. They had a car and lived in a Southern Ontario suburban sub-division as recovering left-wingers. The Liberals were in power. Frankly, that doesn’t sound all that much different to me.” When asked how a country could remain so fundamentally unchanged over three turbulent decades, 67% of respondent chose “That’s the price of development” as the most likely reason.
Government officials were unavailable for comment, as most ministries and offices are now closed following the achievement of development.