Ape Rifle

Living in China one learns to appreciate the national treasure that is the Volkswagen Santana. I remember being told at some point that this car is based on a German model from the late 70s or early 80s, but this matters little: this vehicle, more than any, defines modern China. Granted, the nouveau riche have moved on to the status symbols of BMW and Lexus, but the Santana still reigns supreme.

The design is simple: boxy, usually black and more often than not sporting some of the darkest tinted windows you have seen. If the blue flatbed trucks are the workhorses of industry, then these sedans are the mainstay of officialdom. Santanas have been the ride of choice of gov’t and party officials for quite a few years, as their huge numbers on the road today would indicate.

Santana owners are a particular breed, known for their discerning tastes. They like their shirts rolled up, their baijiu foul, their cigarettes deadly and their driving wild. For those desiring a true Santana experience, sporting crewcuts, sunglasses and a backseat full of drunk co-workers are musts. This is manpurse territory, and they won’t let you forget it.
Any fake can stroll in an Audi, but true gangsters remain loyal to the Santana for its sheer attitude, its defiance of style. Here is a menacing frontal view:

The popularity of the design has become evident to the manufacturers. I don’t think it has changed since the early 80s, besides some minor body tinkering every few years (the latest being Santana 2000, I think).

Recently, however, I have seen an increasing number of “cute” cars on the street. These tiny little compacts, painted bright colours and full of teddy bears and pillows, fly in the face of all that is decent in the world of the Chinese automobile. How can you look cool spitting out the window of a bright yellow VW Polo? Do stuffed animals make good ashtrays? Sadness washed over me: was I witnessing the end of the Santana and all it represented? It seemed modernity was busy wiping out yet another Chinese tradition. My despair deepened as I witnessed an increase in the number of minivans… Minivans! That is about as far from corrupt gangster as you can get.

But then I heard whispers of a saviour, of a rebirth to make things right. I looked for confirmation of these rumours on the internet, but to no avail. Was this nothing more than a false messiah? I worried the Santana, despite its tenacity, was heading for the scrapheap of history. Who was going to stop the Pokemonization of China?

But yesterday I stumbled across a site that brought me great hope. The rumours turned out to be true: a knight in black tinted armor was returning to set right all that had gone wrong in the world of Chinese car design. The gangsters can rest easy, and the cyclists can stay scared: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you…

The Volkswagen Santana 3000!

Designed in China and coming soon to a sidewalk near you.

Yesterday I received news that I have been accepted to the Masters in Urban Planning program at McGill in Montreal. Wow! Not a bad e-mail to roll out of bed to. I’m still waiting to hear from the London School of Economics to make any sort of final decision (I have until April 16th to accept McGill’s offer), but this means that one way or another I will once again be a student starting next fall.

This also means that, sometime this summer, I will be saying goodbye to China for a few years at least. So I’m really going to try to make the most of my last few months here: I’ve been talking with some fellow teachers about a big “Goodbye China” tour when the term ends in June. 杭州 （Hangzhou) up to 北京 (Beijing), maybe a bit of 东北 (Northeast), then gradually make our way out west all the way to 新疆 (Xinjiang). Most of my travelling in this country has been in the South and Southwest; time to give the North some love.

There are two things I have to do before I leave, otherwise I will kick myself for years to come:

1) See the Great Wall （I’m still not a real man)
2) visit 黄山

Am I ready to leave China? I’m not sure. I’ve developed such a crazy love/hate relationship with this place that, one way or the other, I won’t forget about it any time soon. However, I am definitely ready to give up teaching Oral English.

Oh yeah, make sure to check out this site.
Urban Photo has some great photo-essays on North American cities. A good chunk of them concern Montreal, but you can find interesting pieces on Vancouver, New York, Chicago, etc. This site has great “daily life” pics, I recommend it especially for Chinese readers hoping to see beyond the wealth, flash and skyscrapers so often presented in popular entertainment.

This past week, I decided to structure my lessons around the topic of living conditions. About half my classrooms are equipped with a computer and projector setup, so I went the extra mile and prepared a spiffy Powerpoint show. It included pictures of home interiors and different neighbourhood settings, with the goal of getting the students to work on adjectives describing the pros and cons of various living arrangements. After that I would put them into groups and assign each group a “role” (young family, student, young professional, etc.) for whom they would have to come up with an ideal (but somewhat still realistic) home. Judging by some flickers of life I saw in my classrooms, the activity went over rather well.

The most interesting part of the lesson was learning about my student’s preferences, and how they often seemed to be the polar opposite of students and young adults back home. Of course, I cannot make any sweeping generalizations about hundred of millions of people based on a few opinions in Hangzhou, but I did come across enough similarities across different classes to have some food for thought.

1) What does modern mean?

The term modern is thrown around quite a bit in these parts, often carelessly to say the least. But strangely enough, getting my students to explain to me what they understood it to mean was like pulling teeth. They could tell me if something was modern or not, but they couldn’t explain why. The whole subject arose since one of the adjectives provided to describe a home was “modern”. I would show them a picture of a kitchen, and they would say “wow, it’s so modern!”- but that was all I got out of them, an explanation would have been too much. One student suggested that a “modern” room must have a tv and computer in it, otherwise it is old and traditional. In the end, most explanations revolved around a similar idea: everything Chinese is old and traditional, everything non-Chinese is modern. And modernity is inherently good. I guess nationalism doesn’t extend to cultural tradition.

2) The Quiet Life…at 20

Some of the funniest “ideal homes” I heard about necessarily came from the groups playing the role of young students.
One answer was: “our apartment would be quiet and clean so we could have a nice environment in which to study hard.” Student living, geared towards studying? Definitely a foreign concept to me. I told them about student neighbourhoods at home, where students live among beer bottles, pizza boxes and movie posters and have a nice soundtrack of drunks roaming the street to keep them awake (when you aren’t the one out there making the noise, that is). I hesitated to tell them that an “ideal student home” at home would more likely involve free kegs and some sort of central funnelling system.

In my freshman English Majors class, I showed the students two pictures: one of a hip, funky urban neighbourhood and the other of small suburban homes on a quiet landscaped street, obviously miles from any sort of interesting civilization. To my surprise, many of my students chose the suburban scene as their preferred location. When I asked again where they would like the live at their current age (about 20), the answer remained the same.

I’m guessing this comes from the desire to experience what eastern China is severely lacking: space, privacy and quiet. The suburbs, much reviled by most young people in the West as soulless sprawls, are perfect for the Chinese Dream (again, think 1950s USA). They are peaceful, orderly and developed, with every house having its own nice garden and lawn for the kids to play on. If this is where you grew up in Canada or the States, you might be thinking this is hell with a happy face plastered on. But if you grew up in some huge, dirty, smelly crowded Chinese city, this could be paradise. The grass is always greener on the other side, especially if it can actually grow there.

I told them that many young people at home try to escape these places when they reach a certain age, heading for the city and its plethora of nightlife, culture and attractive young people of the opposite sex. I proposed that someone in their early 20s would ideally want to live in some loft or studio apartment (probably in a renovated warehouse) in an impossibly hip urban neighbourhood, close to bars, clubs, funky cafes and stores and all the places that funky people like to do their funky things. Peace, quiet and order could wait for later. But they seemed kind of mystified: why would someone want to live in an old building in a dirty city?

The sad thing is that neither side’s expectations are remotely realistic. Given China’s minor population problem (not to mention resource depletion), a nation of suburban dwellers seems like a pretty far fetch. With so many people, any suburb would invariably become a crowded, busy noisy city itself in no time. And where would you put all the farmers? Oops, someone forgot to grow the food. Of course, there are then the multiple theories about how suburbs, in attempting to provide an ‘escape’ from city life, do nothing more than spread the city further and further as people keep having to ‘escape’ older suburbs (for more outlying areas) as they become more urbanized. Result: sprawl as far as they eye can see. The Americanization of China would not be pretty (or even possible).

As for us Western urban hipsters, by the time most of even find out which neighbourhoods are “cool” they are already in the throes of massive de-cooling. The death bells toll for any neighbourhood’s hipness factor the second it is declared “a place to be”. Before any under-funded twenty-something urban bohemian can even blink, yuppies are busy gobbling up living space will commercial space is delt off to chain stores to do with as they please (hello, five chain coffee shops on every corner). I guess it takes money to be cool, and that’s something not many young students have much of. Even if one does manage to make it to a neighbourhood before the mass-produced mochaccinos, during that initial stages the place is probably still too derelict and unsafe to be worth it (”I live on a street of abandoned warehouses, my life is so great!”) Being hip, what a tough life.

4) New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

Showing them pictures of some upscale downtown neighbourhoods in Montreal (think restored Victorian homes), I asked the student who they thought would live in such places. The overwhelmingly response was: government officials! Try as I might to explain that the average gov’t official could not afford such a place in Canada, I was chuckling too much. Of course, in the Chinese context this makes perfect sense thanks to one simple word: corruption. Sometimes I get some subtle signals that my students aren’t as naive as they let on.

When I was little, I used to draw a lot. Buildings and cityscapes were my preferred themes, although the occasional superhero snuck in there (I seem to remember a particular fondness for all things Batman, circa 1989). Transformers, Fraggle Rock, comics, some “in the future” book I loved to borrow from the library; I had numerous influences. But somehow, no matter what I was working on, I almost invariably managed to sneak a cityscape in somehow.

Recently I’ve been thinking about a drawing I did sometime in the late 80s. The memory is a bit hazy but I recall that, for some reason, I had decided this scene would take place in 1997. Of course, to any young kid way back then, that year seemed like a distant, wondrous future. My drawing was thus a utopian scene of flying personal vehicles, sky transportation links and cathedral spire-like glass towers among the clouds. This was a pretty slick 1997 I was imagining for myself.

Yet here we are in 2004 (even further into the future!), and my twenty-three year old self is thoroughly disappointed. A transportation revolution? Forget it, the antiquated internal combustion still rules supreme. Sky links? Nope, most people are still stuck in grinding traffic at ground level. Futuristic architecture? This area is doing a little better, but most new buildings are just the same basic structure type with an extra layer of glitz slapped on to look shiny. So what happened to the 21st century? Where is this new world promised to us by popular culture back in the day? 2004 could be a shinier, sleeker 1974.

In the past few years, I for one feel like I have been assailed with talk of how much the world is changing. Technology, globalization and the internet are supposedly working together to revolutionize human existence. In this world of change, everything invariably improves as the wonders of progress march on. Sure there are big bumps on this road, like worldwide terrorism , but they will soon be defeated. Fitter, happier, more productive-a world of endless, problem-free growth.

But somewhere along the line between the late 80s and the present, I lost my faith in progress. As much as technological changes pile upon us, so many things have stayed exactly the same. Despite the exterior gloss of our civilization, we are the same animals. Reading world headlines, you could argue that we haven’t moved much beyond our time in the trees, eagerly clubbing the other ape for its bananas.

Governments around the world have given up on true innovation, instead repeating stale mantras about “competition” and “economic growth”. Some administrations, such as the one currently running the United States, are even quite happy to turn back the clock: why bother with new technology when the old, destructive methods are much better at stuffing your cronies’ pockets? Coal, the energy of the future: hmmm, sounds like progress to me. If you are living in 1790, that is.

My time in China has not brought me any closer to believing in true progress. I will of course admit that, compared to its own situation thirty years ago, this country has come leaps and bounds. But on the frontier of progress it is not, despite what Shanghai looks like. It is quite busy trying to catch up with the 20th century, let alone the 21st. The idea of modernity around here seems lifted right out of 1950s America. It only looks glitzier because it’s happening fifty years later. I see a lot of copying and imitation, but no innovation. “You see, we have this wonderful new invention that will revolutionize the world. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present to you…the fossil-fuel based private car!”

Lest you think the point of this post is China bashing, I will now heap some scorn on the most deserving of continents, North America. It has the money, education and culture to pump out tons of true innovation, and yet it is hopelessly stuck in a rut. We seem resigned to tweaking the status quo, simply because it’s easier and more profitable in the short-term. Many urban areas have developed permanent rush hours on their congested roadways, and suburbs sprawl endlessly in all directions. But instead of tackling fundamental causes, DVD players are tossed in new car models in the hopes that people won’t get so pissed when they are immobile for three hours. Is the problem poor transportation planning? No, no, it’s that people aren’t entertained enough while they are waiting.

Perhaps the problem is that the age-old human traits get in the way. Greed, selfishness and short-term thinking have all survived remarkably well over the past few millennia. We are inventing products we don’t need, and still producing ones that should have been replaced long ago. Pollution and waste are as present as ever.

This lack of vision is getting increasingly urgent as developing countries with unfathomably large populations strive to be “just like America”. Judging by some stats I saw in a recent issue of National Geographic, the US consumption levels of energy and resources are completely and unsustainably out of control. But instead of providing real change and leadership, the rulers of the ‘free world’ seem instead intent on bringing everyone back to the Industrial Revolution. What an inspiring world model. (not that any other country would be better if it were to suddenly find itself at the top)

Of course, you could throw a litany of counter-arguments my way. Most of them would invoke technology, efficiency of the free market system and so forth. But I find many of these smack of intellectual laziness: “Oh, don’t worry, technology will progress and solve all our problems, just kick back and relax” or “oh, just let the market do its magic, and everything will be fine”. In the end, technology and the “market” aren’t sentient beings; we can hardly rely on them to change things. They are fictive notions created mostly so that we humans can blame something other than ourselves (”it wasn’t me, it was the market!”). Our planet is run not by some unseen force of progress, but by very real people. And not much will really change before we dirty humans do.

The other day I was reading a post over at John’s Sinosplice, and it got me thinking (always a dangerous thing). His Shanghai vs. Beijing post has generated numerous comments discussing the pros and cons of China’s two largest cities. Expats, it seems, love comparing Chinese cities. We will promote and defend our adopted hometowns, dismissing other urban areas as “faceless” or “soulless”. Often, we will also take shots at our own cities, decrying the crowds, dirt and questionable urban planning. I’ve been guilty of this myself, having recently compiled a not-very-researched list of “Top 5s” concerning Chinese cities.

This entry, however, is dedicated to my Chinese readership (I know there are at least a few of you out there). I’m sure you are probably tired of hearing your guests complaining about China’s urban areas, so this one’s for you: I’m going to compare Canada’s two largest cities, Toronto and Montréal.

1) Brief Overview

Toronto: Canada’s largest metropolitan area, with 4,682,897 people (2001 Census). Despite the commonly held belief that it is the country’s capital, that honour belongs to the much smaller city of Ottawa. But if you are thinking in terms of industry, power and money, Toronto might as well be. This place is downtown Canada, the country’s “economic engine”. Most of the country’s movers and shakers necessarily live here, whether they want to or not. The huge towers of Canada’s major banks dominate the downtown scene. Given Toronto’s size and importance, it is the city that most other Canadians love to hate. If you are an English Canadian, most of what you watch or read is probably produced here (or in the United States).

Montréal: Canada’s second largest metropolitan area, with 3,426,350 people (2001 Census). Although its days as Canada’s economic powerhouse are long gone, it remains French Canada’s economic and cultural heart. This is probably why, despite its size, it receives little national attention as a major city. Many Canadians seem to have written the place off, mostly because of that strange and exotic language called French, “Sure it’s a great place to visit, but how could you possibly have a decent life there? They speak French!”. Within Québec, the city is often simply referred to as “la métropole”, or the metropolis. If you are French Canadian, most of what you watch or read is probably produced here (or in the United States).

2) Climate

Neither city really comes out on top in this category. Both are freezing in the winter and often unbearably hot in the summer. In fact, you have a pretty similar situation in most inhabited areas of Canada. Montréal probably gets more snow, but doesn’t need to call in the army when this happens. During the summer, citizens of both cities can be seen clogging highways trying to escape the humid hell of their respective urban furnaces.

Winner: Mother Nature

3) Development and Environment

In terms of development, Toronto and Montréal are quite different. The former is arguably the most American of Canadian cities: despite a pretty lively downtown core, a good chunk of the Toronto experience involves suburban sprawl, clogged highways and faceless highrises. Most friends who tell you they live in Toronto actually don’t live very near the city proper at all. Montréal, on the other hand, has been constrained by geography: the fact that it is an island keeps it pretty concentrated as an urban area. However, if mindless suburbia is what you seek, this can easily be found on the North and South Shores.

Toronto feels bigger, better planned and more spacious: Montréal feels a bit more congested and haphazard, sporting some of the best examples of Québec’s notoriously shoddy transportation infrastructure.

In terms of environment, both cities are tops. Although much fuss is made about the summer smog in Toronto, to anyone arriving from China this is peanuts. The clearest day in Hangzhou would be declared a national smog emergency in either Toronto or Montréal. Wonderful blue skies are a common occurrence, not a miracle. Both cities are nice and green in the summer, and amazingly clean as major cities go. Montréal, however, gets a slight edge due to geographical location : sitting on an island in the middle of the St-Lawrence river, the wonderful vistas from Mount Royal prove it to be more naturally attractive than Toronto.

Winner (planning and efficiency): Toronto
Winner (environment): Montréal

4) Culture

This is a tough one. Toronto is Canada’s, if not the world’s, most multicultural city. Every ethnicity you could possibly think of probably has an enclave somewhere in there. Huge numbers of immigrants have helped Toronto throw off its reputation as a boring, tight-assed Anglo-Saxon city. Great neighbourhoods and diversity abound. The city is also the heart of the country’s cultural industry and media organizations. Walking around Toronto is like taking in the world.

Although I find the term “Paris of North America” rather silly, Montréal really does exude a latin joie-de-vivre. Sidewalks cafés, arrogant well-dressed people, great historical architecture: it’s a place that seems to care more about culture than making money. Make no mistake, though: the Québecois are about as French as the Americans are British. Firmly planted in America, the city nonetheless maintains a very European urban sensibility, evident in the cobble stone streets of Old Montréal. Despite being perceived as a “French” city, Montréal also enjoys a significant diversity, home to people from all over the world. Add this all up and you have one culturally fascinating city.

Winner: Montréal

5) Nightlife

I’m not even going to waste a paragraph on this one.

Winner: Montréal (by far)

6) Wealth and Job Opportunity

This one is no contest. Unless you are fluently bilingual (which most Canadians are not, despite what they may tell you), Toronto is the place you want to be. If you want to rise to the top in Canada, you will be doing it in this city (or Calgary if you are an oil tycoon).
Montréal’s French language requirements scare off most English-speaking Canadians, and its economy over the past several decades has been pretty shaky due to political instability. It has recently been experiencing a renaissance, but will probably maintain its reputation as a city in decline for a little while still.

Winner: Toronto

7) Hockey

This category is also no contest. I was 12 the last time the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup, in 1993. My dad was still in university the last time the Toronto Maple Leafs won the cup, and let’s just say these days he’s pushing 60. The Canadiens are the Yankees of the NHL, with the most championships in the league. Granted, they have been pretty awful in recently years, but Montréal has been home to many of hockey’s greatest dynasties. How the Hockey Hall of Fame ended up in Toronto, god only knows.

Winner: Montréal

8) People

Montrealers are renowned for fierce pride in their hometown. They see themselves as cosmopolitan, cultured and sophisticated, meaning they smack of arrogance to out-of-towners. Members of all linguistic groups get along rather well, enjoying bars and festivals together. Most English speakers who cannot accept that Québec speaks French have moved to Toronto anyways. Economic problems aside, Montrealers love their city and the cultural blending it represents. Oh yeah, I also forgot to mention the love for 3am closing times and a very liberal alcohol policy.

Torontonians are convinced their city is Canada, and they smack of arrogance to out-of-towners. What is most amazing about the city’s population is its sheer diversity, unequalled in many other places on earth. I think people have lost count as to how many Chinatowns there now are in the area. Torontonians love to sing the praises of their hometown, but they know deep down they will probably never achieve the funky cool status dominated by their Montreal cousins. But this doesn’t bother them much, because they know that, for its size, Toronto is one of the more liveable cities in the world. Peace, order and good government, that’s what it’s all about. And maybe some fun on the weekend.

Unfortunately, both Montrealers and Torontonians share a rather annoying insecurity complex. Despite living in great cities, they are constantly looking for validation from others, especially American media. “Look, they love us, they really love us!” When a major Hollywood production sets up shop in either town, watch as the locals act like school children with sincere star quotes like “(enter city name) is great!” wasting valuable headline space. It is rather pathetic.

Winner: tie (with slight edge to Montrealers)

9) City the average Chinese person would rather live in

Winner: Vancouver

When my students invited me on a field trip last Saturday, about the last thing I expected was another episode like this one. Of course, I should have known better: more adventures in psychedelia is exactly what I got.

We set off for a nearby mountain at the wonderful hour of 8am. On the way out there, I got to see that Hangzhou seems intent on building its very own Pudong on the southern bank of the river. I’m talking highrises lining the coast, all under construction at the same time. At this rate they could probably freeze new construction for at least ten years and still have vacancy issues. To the untrained eye it is starting to seem a bit ridiculous.

But anyways, we got to the mountain sight and it turned out that a significant part of the visit involved caves. And I’m not talking about any normal, run-of-the-mill holes in the ground: I’m talking psychedelic caves. We were treated to a really bizarre spectacle of acid-drenched lighting the whole way through, not to mention “springs” (read fountains installed about three years ago). Some of the cave scenery was pretty obviously fake, like concrete had been poured to spruce things up a little in there. But those lights, oh those lights. It was like some 60s light and sound show. Unfortunately, however, the sound aspect of the performance was performed by some tour guide yelling non-stop into a bullhorn.

After crawling up some pretty steep staircases in dank darkness, we emerged high up on the hill. All the usual usual suspects were present: some old architecture, a big gold Buddha in a pink cape that looked no more than three years old, and a pagoda overlooking the “serene” Zhejiang countryside (they were blasting apart the mountains across the way, presumably to build more redundant infrastructure). But then things started to get weird. Beside this pagoda was a giant guitar, with no ready explanation available as to what it was doing there.

Continuing along the path, what do we see? Another giant instrument, this time some bongo drum. What was going on here?

And so it was that every twenty metres or so, another giant instrument greeted us. We took in a piano, a giant horn, a flute, cymbals, a violin and some of those famous Chinese instruments whose English names currently escape me (think strings). Of course, absolutely no explanation was provided as to why these monuments to music were sitting randomly on some hill in the countryside. But the park did give us a pretty good hint as to what influenced its design: there was also a prominently large statue of a mushroom along the path.

After this stroll through the doors of perception, it was lunchtime (well, sort of, considering it was only about 10:45am). This break consisted mostly of the foreign guys trying to eat as quickly as possible so as not to be made sick by the beer their students were getting them to chug. My buddy Justin commented how it was always the quietest ones in class who turned out to be the party animals. I had three bowls of rice and a bit too much beer.

My own perception now a bit blurred, I found out that we were going to visit another cave. This time we had to descend really steep staircases with dangerous ledges, in near darkness of course. Near the end of this cavern expedition were some cool scenes and rock formations, but before I knew it we were back outside with three hours to kill until the bus went back to the city. People sat around, with some of the more tipsy students loudly practicing their kung fu moves on each other. Soon, the students decided they were going to go “play” in the parking lot.

So we just sat around for a few hours, nursing beers and enjoying the quiet bamboo forest. It was nice to get out of the city, even for just a few hours, and enjoy the relatively natural scenery (minus the oddities). It was also nice to see some of the students come alive as they left the apathy of the classroom behind (of course, the beer at lunch might have helped with that). But I really need to get my drinking water checked because I’ve been tripping way too much this year.

Pink Floyd: Animals (1977)
Importance in Rock History: popularized the giant inflatable pig as a rock concert prop

Even though I’ve been a Pink Floyd fan for a while, I’ve never really given this album a good listen. Now, thanks to Kazaa and boredom, I got the chance to check it out. Needless to say, it has been playing non-stop in my place all week. It seems to capture the band about halfway between the spacy progressive rock of Dark Side of the Moon and the bitter hard guitar of the The Wall. The trademark Floyd solos and several minute long ‘trip outs’ are still there, but the guitar sounds a bit too angry for mellow psychedelia. Maybe this album is just playing to my more recent moods: it’s dark and pretty cynical about humankind.

Here’s what someone more intelligent over at Amazon.com has to say:

“Although not in the same vein as the deliciously hallucinogenic earlier Floyd works such as Ummagumma and Dark Side of the Moon, Animals is innovative and musically diverse in its own right. Inspired in part by George Orwell’s political fable Animal Farm, Roger Waters condemns the avarice and inequalities of capitalism, metaphorically and musically grouping humans as pigs, dogs, and sheep. The pigs are self-righteous hypocrites inflicting their beliefs on everyone else, the dogs greedy money-grabbers, and the sheep witless followers. Dark, cynical, and brilliantly composed, Animals is an ingenious and under-acknowledged album. –Naomi Gesinger “

So which animal are you? I’m a pig with a dose of sheep tossed in for good measure. I’m sure I’ll also become a dog soon enough. Ahh, how lovely ideals are before you lose them.

NATIONAL NEWS

CANADA A ‘DEVELOPED COUNTRY’, SAYS MARTIN
(Agencies)

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

OTTAWA–Prime Minister Paul Martin declared Canada a thoroughly developed country yesterday during a business luncheon speech in the nation’s capital.

“Since our opening up in 1867, we have become a highly industrialized and all-around well-off nation,” Martin said.” We have tall buildings, highways, lots of cars and nice suburbs…frankly, our government is not sure what else we can really do. This might be the time to close the book on development.”

The Prime Minister’s address was part of an ongoing conference hosted by the Canada Business Outlook Society to examine the role of society after a country had developed. “Perhaps now we can finally stop underfunding arts and culture,”mused one speaker to roaring laughter from the crowd.

Life after development has been a growing issue recently, with many ordinary Canadians worried that a lack of GDP growth, highway construction and massive societal shifts would make their lives increasingly meaningless and post-modern.

James Bennett, a member of the Great Minds Think A Lot research institute, echoed such concerns. “This is basically the end of history,” he commented from his home by phone.”Canadians have reached the pinnacle of human achievement. Industrialization has been achieved, things look modern and people shop a lot…what else is there to do?”

An anonymous government official agreed. “We have realized that things can’t stay this way. The lack of cranes on city skylines is only one sign of the coming crisis,” he noted,”The Romans stopped developing and building stuff, and look what happened to them.”

Mr. Martin quickly moved to dismiss such concerns. “There is still plenty to do. Floors need to be swept, lawns need to be cut and potholes need to be filled.”

ECONOMY

GROWTH ENDLESS, RESEARCH INSTITUTE DISCOVERS
(Agencies)

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

WINNIPEG– The Canadian Center of Economic Research announced yesterday that its researchers have found economic growth to be, without a doubt, endless. This welcome surprise was revealed as the center released the results of its three-year study entitled “GDP: Statistics for Fun and Profit.”

“This is absolutely ground-breaking news for Canada,” said Dr. Mark, a center director. “This means absolutely nothing, including environmental disaster, will be able to stop the growth of our nation’s economy. ”

The center’s research focused on extensive interviews with the leaders of government, industry and commerce. The introduction to the report states, “We have come to the undeniable conclusion that we will be able to produce
and sell to our heart’s content for all eternity. Canada’s future looks very bright”

A man on the streets of Montreal seemed especially overjoyed by the prospect, “Well, if this growth thing happens no matter what, I guess that means I can just quit my job. See you in Florida!”

LIFE

CANADA ‘NOT CHANGING ALL THAT MUCH’, STUDY FINDS
(Agencies)

Tuesday, March 4, 2004

MONTREAL– Canadian society has not changed all that much in the past thirty years, a new government survey has shown. Despite superficial technological advances and the Internet, 70% of respondents believed the country was “basically the same”. Although the country has become increasingly culturally diverse, many shrugged this off as a very minor shift. “Black, Brown or blue: who cares? Everyone loves Tim Horton’s!” answered one respondent.

Polling over 5000 Canadians in all provinces and territories, the study found that an overwhelming majority believe their values, lifestyle and consumption habits are pretty much the same as their forefathers in 1974. Fully 35% stated that the biggest difference might be in the size of beer bottles, with snubs gradually replaced by longnecks. “It’s amazing to think how far we’ve come,” said Dr. Mark, leader of the survey, “it is hard to imagine what people in 1974 would think if they saw our beer bottles today.”

One respondent summed up the situation: “In 1974, my parents got drunk, smoked pot and went to rock concerts. They had a car and lived in a Southern Ontario suburban sub-division as recovering left-wingers. The Liberals were in power. Frankly, that doesn’t sound all that much different to me.” When asked how a country could remain so fundamentally unchanged over three turbulent decades, 67% of respondent chose “That’s the price of development” as the most likely reason.

Government officials were unavailable for comment, as most ministries and offices are now closed following the achievement of development.