To all the foreigners now living in this fine country:
First, I must commend you on your courage in the face of fierce battle. Everyday, as you walk the streets of your town or city, you face constant attacks. They come from every street, every corner, every window, every bike. Who is this enemy, you ask? It can be anyone; young or old, big or small. And what is their deadliest weapon, of which just a few shots can ruin your day? “Helllo! Helllooo!”. The bigger cities are increasingly pacified; yet in most of this vast theatre the fierce action continues unabated. The battle for hearts, minds and an increased vocabulary continues on.
We face the horror of this botched greeting many times a day, and many despair that there is no end in sight. Yet, a recent discovery has given rise to tremendous hope that these attacks may soon be a thing of the past, and that we will one day be able to help the locals build and develop their country in harmonious peace.
What recent discovery, you ask? No, no, it has nothing to do with anyone hiding in a hole on a farm. Rather, we have found the primary source responsible for training countless millions in the arts of the botched greeting. And the nature of this source shocked even our most battle-hardened intel personnel: it is a primary school song.
Following is a transcript of a song intercepted while being taught to local primary school students:
“Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Hello How are you? Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Hello how are you…?”
This horrific pattern continued on for, we think, at least another 5 or 6 verses: we are not quite sure, because none of us could bear to listen to the whole thing. But we do now know this: the indoctrination is deep and begins at an early age.
If somehow we could just neutralize this nefarious song, perhaps we could teach millions that “Hello” is NOT the most versatile word in the English language. Primary school teachers, you are the forefront of our valiant struggle: greet your classes with such acceptable phrases as “Hi, How are you?”, and banish “Hello” to the hell it deserves. We have a tremendous task ahead of us, but I am confident that in the end, our tremendous efforts will prevail. We will make the world safe for tolerable English greetings.
(PS: If you think I made the primary school song up, be warned: it’s REAL, and it’s horrible)