Ape Rifle

During my time in China, I have certainly been witness to a number of events that could be described as “strange”. Some could probably be explained away with such catchphrases as “cultural difference”, while others are a little harder to nail down, such as traffic maneuvers that defy the laws of physics. As time goes by, however, such events are usually incorporated into the “oh well, that’s China” section of the brain, tolerated and even accepted as mundane reality.

But then there are those events that just defy explanation, that stupefy the brightest of minds. Simply put, they defy the very boundaries of sanity. These are the times that culture shock cannot explain, when even the most seasoned expats stops to wonder:”OK, who is slipping psychotropic substances into my food?” Well, today I definitely had one of these moments (I’ll be scrutinizing my meals more closely from now on).

It all started with the usual phone call to confirm my continuing role “as foreign jackass who stands around” at a local primary school every Monday afternoon. However, I got a taste of the strangeness to come: they told me that this time, they wanted me to play “Christmas Man” (a superhero I am not aware of, perhaps?). My instructions were to slap on a Santa hat, and speak with a “deep” voice. I guess this was to be expected: Christmas around here is inevitably tied in with celebrating superficial Western culture and speaking English (a really weird phenomenon in itself, but I’ll get to that later). I figured I’d show up, feed them the consumer-friendly version of Christmas (aka Jesus who???), MC some games and then collect my money. If only it were so simple.

When I got to the usual room where the English activities are held, I quickly noticed something strange: there was a rather large Halloween ghoul doll guarding the door. Momentarily confused, I entered the room and was comforted by the sight of the usual Christmas decorations scattered about. But again, I noticed some plastic skulls near the Christmas trees on the desk: what the hell was going on? Why were there Halloween decorations mixed in with the usual Santas and reindeer? As the students crashed into the classroom, I soon got my answer.

It seems that the school had decided to kill several birds with one stone: not content to merely celebrate Christmas, they had thrown in various other Western holidays, most notably Halloween and Mardi Gras. Take any remotely Western holiday symbol, toss it in, and press the “chaos” button.

So here’s the scene: I’m in a room that is decorated with both Christmas and Halloween decorations. The students are wearing a wild assortment of masks and costumes, ranging from Santas to apes and that ghost face from “Scream”. It is announced that we are going to celebrate “Christmas” with games and a costume party (?). Above all this craziness hang some red paper lanterns (I guess Spring Festival gets in there too), and “Wish You a Merry Christmas” scratching its way out of some speakers. Tell me that is not “A Nightmare Before Christmas” drenched in acid.

And so in this holiday twilight zone the afternoon passed, accompanied by my absolute inability to comprehend the scene unfolding around me. “Celebrating Christmas” meant a lot of kids making a lot of noise and some game involving throwing ping pong balls into garbage bins. The activities inevitably got out of hand and the kids took a quick liking to fighting each other and grabbing at my Santa hat. One of the Chinese teachers went around “interviewing” the different Monsters (never bothering to ask the obvious: “why are you dressed as a vampire at a Christmas party?”), and the kids blasted their indecipherable answers into the overloud mike. And all the while the Christmas music droned on. To finish things up, I got it together enough to mutter some convoluted story about Santa coming down the chimney and bad kids getting coal.

Throughout this bad trip I actually managed to snap a few pictures (I originally brought the camera along to document the weird phenomenon of Christmas celebration in China…I would say mission accomplished!)

I was originally going to write a serious post about my thoughts on Christmas in China. However, I think I will leave that for another day; I’m still trying to recover from my magical mystery tour. And yet, when I think about it, what better example than this afternoon to demonstrate the result of celebrating a holiday devoid of any cultural context? Madness ensues. More on this later, when the tracers are gone and the walls stop melting.

To all the foreigners now living in this fine country:

First, I must commend you on your courage in the face of fierce battle. Everyday, as you walk the streets of your town or city, you face constant attacks. They come from every street, every corner, every window, every bike. Who is this enemy, you ask? It can be anyone; young or old, big or small. And what is their deadliest weapon, of which just a few shots can ruin your day? “Helllo! Helllooo!”. The bigger cities are increasingly pacified; yet in most of this vast theatre the fierce action continues unabated. The battle for hearts, minds and an increased vocabulary continues on.

We face the horror of this botched greeting many times a day, and many despair that there is no end in sight. Yet, a recent discovery has given rise to tremendous hope that these attacks may soon be a thing of the past, and that we will one day be able to help the locals build and develop their country in harmonious peace.

What recent discovery, you ask? No, no, it has nothing to do with anyone hiding in a hole on a farm. Rather, we have found the primary source responsible for training countless millions in the arts of the botched greeting. And the nature of this source shocked even our most battle-hardened intel personnel: it is a primary school song.

Following is a transcript of a song intercepted while being taught to local primary school students:

“Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Hello How are you? Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Hello how are you…?”

This horrific pattern continued on for, we think, at least another 5 or 6 verses: we are not quite sure, because none of us could bear to listen to the whole thing. But we do now know this: the indoctrination is deep and begins at an early age.

If somehow we could just neutralize this nefarious song, perhaps we could teach millions that “Hello” is NOT the most versatile word in the English language. Primary school teachers, you are the forefront of our valiant struggle: greet your classes with such acceptable phrases as “Hi, How are you?”, and banish “Hello” to the hell it deserves. We have a tremendous task ahead of us, but I am confident that in the end, our tremendous efforts will prevail. We will make the world safe for tolerable English greetings.

(PS: If you think I made the primary school song up, be warned: it’s REAL, and it’s horrible)

With the Spring Festival holiday just around the corner, I am once again worrying about how I will fund my cross-China travels. Many people pick up extra classes, or go to teach part-time at other schools. I, however, find my teaching hours every week quite sufficient; basically, I like my days off. So how to reconcile my need for more funds with my dislike for extra teaching work? It’s quite simple: Foreign sells.

Around these parts, actual teaching experience and ability matter little: it’s all about having a foreign face and speaking English. It is quite often that I feel we are just here to be paraded around. For now, having a foreigner attached to any sort of event or gathering is deemed to increase its prestige. But you have to remember that the term “foreigner” in China has a slightly different definition. It is all too often used to designate white, English-speaking Westerners. When my students say “all foreigners like to…”, that statement is more often than not completed with some reference to Western habits. I try to explain that most “foreigners” are actually NOT white, western or English-speaking, but it seems to be a lost cause. What about India? Africa? Anyways, that it a whole other rant, so let’s get back to the point.

Since there are a number of events requiring the prestigious presence of foreign “experts”, I have come to the conclusion that I need not do battle with extra class to make more money: I can simply just show up places, be myself, say something…and then get paid. I have had two experiences as of late that seem to exemplify this Dire Straights lifestyle.

1) My primary school gig: Every Monday afternoon, I head over to a local primary school for an hour and a half. Do I teach? no. Rather, I MC their “English Corner”, which means I basically sit around and laugh as crazy funny little Chinese kids play games, sing songs and create a level of positive energy that is solely lacking from most of my university classes. I have no preparation work to do; the teachers at the school set up all the games, and I’m just given a microphone to say a few words at the start and finish and help out. Dare I say it’s almost…fun! A welcome break from my usual classroom environment. 100 RMB per hour.

2) My dubbing career: The other day I was brought down to a local tv station to dub a promo video for a company. Never mind that I’m no voice actor. Never mind that it was hard to sound enthusiastic when describing the wonders of chain manufacturing. Never mind that I had no idea what I was talking about (cold rolling machine? phosphotizing? wha?) I was white and I could speak English: that was good enough.

I sat in a small soundproof room with some sound technicians, feeling like a cheap B-movie washup as I screwed up lines and swore at my mistakes (”and we use all the latest technology! we have heat press treatment hearth…uhh…oh shit, I really just screwed that up didn’t I?”) I guess I was in there for two hours or so, it was a pretty novel experience. If you ever see a promo for chain manufacturing in China, you might just be listening to me (try not to laugh too hard). Reward for my troubles? 500 RMB! Maybe I should just move to doing this full-time.

So instead of earning money through perseverance and hard work, I can just whore out my foreigner status. Don’t look down on me: we’ve ALL done it at one point or other. But the smarter among us realize this whole craze cannot last forever, and get our free ride in while we can. People around here will wake up and realize that, hey, maybe that big white guy isn’t so cool after all. Maybe some day in the distant future, teaching at a university level around here might actual require some qualifications, not just a remotely “Western” appearance. Maybe someday Chinese people will stop feeling so insecure about themselves and proudly display Asian models to sell products, instead of displaying the ugly foreigner who is no more of a model than I am.

But for now this is the “Foreigner Golden Era” in China. People will look back on these days and say: “hey, remember how many banquets we used to get invited to?”

I’m not special, I’m not good-looking…heck, I’m probably not even all that intelligent! But I wasn’t born in China, and that seems to be all that matters.

Zhejiang Strikes Again!

Heard in a Hangzhou taxi: The Strokes, 12:51
Heard in a Shaoxing taxi: Radiohead, Optimistic

Albums played at Reggae Bar:
Beastie Boys, Licensed to Ill/Ill Communication
A Tribe Called Quest, Midnight Marauders

A word of warning to the Carpenters: you may well still rule the countryside (aka most of China), but your days in the East Coast urban scene are numbered.

Judging by the reactions of a large number of my students, Canada is not a particularly interesting place. It’s “developed, beautiful and clean”, and that’s about it. Oh yeah, and it’s -40C all year around (”Canada is so cold!”). Forget for a moment that none of these students have ever been to Canada, and that Hangzhou itself isn’t exactly a tropical paradise. Some people even state that the only reason they would ever want to go to Canada is because it would then be easier to get into the US. How touching.

So this is why they actually seem more interested to hear that none of my siblings are in Canada at the moment, either. Telling them that my sister studies fashion design in New York City elicits a sort of “wow, she must be the smartest, she made it to AMERICA!” response. Forgetting their crazy notions of success, I too think what she’s doing is pretty damn cool.

But the bigger reaction is inevitably reserved for when I tell them that, yes, my brother is currently in Afghanistan. At first they just stare blankly, mostly because they don’t understand “Afghanistan” on the first go. But then one of their friends translates it into Chinese for them, and their faces all go wide-eyed and a collective “wahh!” is uttered.

I then get the inevitable “Why did he go there??” questions. I am really tempted to say “Oh, he just needed a holiday”, but I restrain myself and explain that he’s a lieutenant in the Canadian Armed Forces and was sent there for six months as part of the NATO force in Kabul.

Perhaps the funniest question I got asked was “Will you go visit him?”. Somehow, I don’t see that happening because:

1) The Chinese/Afghan border is mostly likely closed to white people
2) Uhhh….Afghanistan is a WAR ZONE
3) I doubt they have hostels on military bases
4) I would likely get kidnapped and be forced to teach Oral English to the Taliban in a Torra Borra cave
5) It would be too expensive (the only one they seemed to understand :)

So hats off to my brother, who is currently living in a place that most likely makes China look like Switzerland. He has to deal with living in one of the poorest countries in the world, not to mention the whole getting shot at and mortared aspect. I would say that, rightly so, his experience has altered my family’s perception on this whole Asia thing. Before it was “Wow! China! We are so proud of you!”. Now it’s more like “China? that’s all you’ve got??? He’s in Afghanistan! Come home and get a real job, stop wasting your life.” Hey, at least he gets bombarded with questions upon returning home now, I can just slip under the radar and avoid the “no, Mao is not still alive” explanations.

So, Carl, if you are reading this (they actually do get internet), good job and come home safe!

In recent years, much fuss has been made about the impact of globalization. Working towards my political studies degree from 1998 to 2002, I had the great priviledge of hearing about this, well, pretty much every single day. No matter what class I was in, it seemed that we invariably came around to the same theme: the internationalization of business, trade, consumption and culture. This last one was an especially popular topic of discussion and provided ample fodder for many class debates and research papers. Was the world really becoming “Americanized”? Were McWorld and Planet Wal-Mart inevitable? Were distinct national cultures being threatened by the growth of global values based on capitalism and consumerism?

If you had asked me these questions in 1999 or 2000, I probably would have answered you with an angry, left-wing “yes!”. I would have told you that corporations (mostly Western) were busy ruining the planet by eagerly rampaging across national borders, trouncing out local cultures with mega-malls, fast food restaurants and Hollywood movies. I would have decried the spread of mass consumption culture (all the while consciously taking part in it myself). I would have told you that governments and trade organizations were busy supporting this planetary cultural destruction while pretending they were powerless to control their own creation. Soon we were all to be mindless drones, eating at McDonald’s, shopping at the Gap and watching Friends, with “cultural difference” being nothing but a few tacky tourists sights standing testament to ways of life people neither remembered nor cared for.

And what about if you ask me this question now, in late 2003? I would tell you that back then I was full of shit.

So what changed my mind? One word: China. This country is chock full of foreign outlets, restaurants and stores, and their numbers seem to be increasing by the day. Hangzhou seems to have a special affinity for them (or vice versa). I’m living in the midst of an emerging consumer culture ready to eagerly lap up all the goods and services that multinationals have to offer. It’s not progress unless it’s shiny and costs a lot. So, is China going to be thoroughly “Westernized” in a few decades? Like a NeoAmerica, only full of Chinese people? Forget about it. Culture is too resilient to be destroyed by a few foreign restaurant chains.

Perhaps the problem lies in the understanding of culture often thrown around in globalization debates. Sure, it involves fashion, food, shopping patterns and entertainment. But I also think that it goes much deeper: our cultures are truly at the root of who we are and how we understand the world. I have been living in China for a year and a half, and still have a lot of difficulty even remotely understanding the Chinese view of things. Can I recognize certain cultural characteristics and act accordingly to avoid misunderstandings? Sure. Can I ever truly THINK like a Chinese person? I highly doubt it.

I am a product of Canada; of its shared history, sparse population and immense geography. Furthermore, I am a product of Montreal and its interesting ethnic mix. I am no doubt shaped by my family’s Irish background and all that entails. I am also a product of an infinite amount of further variables which I’m really not going to try and list here. These chance circumstances have conspired to influence my understanding of the world. Get me to live in China for two years? Sure, it’s a fascinating place. Get me to try and see China through the eyes of a local? That’s where you lose me. The question is not whether we can recognize or accept difference, but whether we can ever truly experience that difference. I don’t think we can.

Look at Canada and the United States: you would be hard-pressed to find two countries more superficially similar. If culture was judged solely on the basis of food, fashion and entertainment preferences, Canada would indeed be the 51st state. The Great White North is dominated by its rather larger southern neighbour. Canada is beyond economically dependent on the States; in fact, it would not surprise me if most companies just treat northern North America as one seamlessly integrated market for all intents and purposes. Canadians eagerly consume American cultural products, watch mostly American television, drive (and even manufacture) a lot of American cars…damn, we even share sports leagues! So does this mean that a distinct Canadian culture is on its way out? Highly doubtful.

In fact, there has been a lot of media talk recently about a widening cultural gap between the two neighbours; as Canada’s economic ties with the States increase by the day, the differences in social values and world outlook are growing larger, not smaller. You can check out some interesting articles (mostly from the American point of view) on this phenomenon here, here and here. So what is going on? Wasn’t globalization supposed to make everyone think the same? Wasn’t eating a Big Mac supposed to make me more American? If even Canadians don’t end up thinking like their southern neighbours, what hope does the rest of the world have?

Perhaps the growth of global production and consumption will drive people to highlight their differences, not forget them.
The more various countries begin to look superficially similar, the more their citizens might strive to preserve the foundations that make them unique, that tie them specifically to their national history and experience. Canada’s quest for national identity has been dominated largely by highlighting how we are different from Americans.

So I think national cultures are pretty safe for the foreseeable future. History and geography are just a few of the forces too powerful to be overcome. We should turn our attention to the most serious problems of globalization: environmental degradation and sustainability issues. I don’t care if Chinese people drive American and European cars. I do care if, as a result, I can no longer breathe.

End note: It is fairly common for foreigners to decry the increasing presence of global chains here in China as an encroachment of Western culture (I myself have been guilty of this, exasperated to see yet another Starbucks rear its ugly head). But if you are North American or European, think back to your hometown: how many Chinese restaurants are there? Probably tons. In fact, most cities even have their own Chinatowns. Bastardized Chinese food has become so ingrained that many probably don’t even think of it as a foreign dining experience. So why does no one decry the centuries old encroachment of Asian culture on the West? Because it doesn’t threaten culture, it adds to variety.

When you go eat at a “western” Chinese restaurant, do you do it because you think it’s cool to be Chinese? No, you probably do it because the food is great and you are hungry. Do you renounce your own culture by stuffing yourself at an Oriental buffet? Of course not. Similarly, do I think about how cool it is to be Swedish when I go to Ikea? Nope, I just want some furniture.

So I would guess that the situation is similar here in China: when they eat at KFC or McDonald’s, there’s a good chance it’s just because they like the food, not because they worship American culture. And based on personal experience, McDonald’s here is definitely pretty Chinese. (observe the mad mass swarming the counter trying to get an order in without a line in sight)